Grit aint Always Great
Grit, working hard, not giving up…sometimes is not a good thing. Hear me out!
In my formative years, I was parented by someone who gave up very easily. I am talking about not reading or following a recipe ever, or not accepting childbirth (programed c-section because she was NOT doing that other thing), or marriage (she had 7). She even, for a time, gave up on raising her child. My Mom abandoned me when I was a toddler, left the country to follow the man who would become her 2nd husband. She was away for many years. She returned, and wanted to reclaim me, the courts told her she was the one who abandoned the home and child. She was going to lose full custody, so she kidnapped me, and ferreted me away for a couple years.
I was so hell bent on NOT being my mother that I swam in the waters of self-sabotage like it was holy water. I focused on being the complete opposite of my mother to the point that when the Divine, my higher self, the Universe was giving me crystal clear signs that it was time to change directions or stop – I could not, would not give up. Subconsciously, maybe I was thinking, that it would make me like my mother. If I had even a flicker of a doubt, I’d haul up my breeches, put on lipstick and braved it all even if it was detrimental to my soul, my path. This happened over and over in my life, including with the yoga studio.
I forged on with the yoga studio, when it would have been more financially and mentally responsible to downsize. I could have woken up to the reality of a pandemic sooner, but I did not. I caused myself such grief and sadness. I literally sobbed and wailed when the digital studio closed. I was devastated. When we lost the physical space my hair loss was scary and my capacity to sleep non-existent. Now that the business is a specialized School, in Yoga Teacher Certifications… I wonder why not sooner. Why did I torture myself? I was doing the best I could at the time. That I know. Some self-reflection done; I understand why. Slow progress, it seems in self-love and self-forgiveness.
My Mom is 84 years old, feisty and frail. She was who she was and no-matter what I do, she is part of me. Although we have a different relationship now, she is still not easy to deal with. She is she the master of gaslighting. Will she change? No. And probably never will. If and when she does… it’s surely a sign that she’s getting ready to leave the planet and is making her peace.
I am healing the part of me, that wants to make her and who she is ‘wrong’. You know why? Because if she’s wrong, then I’m right. It’s a tactic that the ego relishes. Is it completely justified? Of course. But at what cost? Being deaf to divine guidance, my higher self and my guides? Is that worth it? Absolutely, not.
I can be the best parts of my Mom. I can honor and respect the good in her. I can create healthy boundaries that are beneficial to both of us. I do not need to be right to the point of cutting my nose off to spite my face.
I have learned that there is a balance between grit and wisdom. Grit without wisdom is grief. Wisdom only blossoms when we have the grit to learn, to see ourselves honestly in the present and decide how we, how I want to live the rest of our lives. Then we need to patient with ourselves as we embark on the path of personal freedom.
Dear angels, spirit guides, thank you for being with me every step of the way. Thank you for your direction even if I did not listen 100%. Thank you for your protection and care. Thank you for your patience, love and support. Help me be a light on this planet with everything I do, write and say as imperfect as it maybe.
